Andrew last day...

It's sad...one by one of my kaki is leaving my current company. I miss my buddies...I miss my tani kaki... Anyway we had a drink after work today. Juz next door. They were all gossiping. I was late but I still get to drink. Altho it was juz a short moment, that was a memory of us spending time together. We drank, we talked, we laughed, we made jokes...It was fun. Well, I'll miss Andrew. Good luck to him and may God bless him...

2 more days...counting down to sing k and tani again...wif my drinking kaki. Hope that day will b a fun day as well. Speaking of tani...I miss my boyie buddie. Another year perhaps? Bleh....going to rest. Oyasumi ....

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Mobile blogging...

On and off I'm gonna try mobile bloggin. Short and simple entries. i type faster with computers  Anyway, I'm pretty bz nowadays due to project. Need to do revision sumore but I'm sure its all worth it. Ah...need to do some work. Will update later if I haf d mood ~

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Mobile blogging...

On and off I'm gonna try mobile bloggin. Short and simple entries. i type faster with computers  Anyway, I'm pretty bz nowadays due to project. Need to do revision sumore but I'm sure its all worth it. Ah...need to do some work. Will update later if I haf d mood ~

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Sick......

I am sick....*shrugs* Been coughing for more than a week and yesterday my eye finally cant take it. Some fragile blood vessels decided to burst and leave a red patch on my left eye. I can still go to work happily today and some of them told me not to go to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how bad it is, whether I should strain my eyes onot, so I decided to take MC tomorrow. I even got a green light from my boss. Well, I haven't see Dr Lim yet cuz today got night market. Will be going there tomorrow. Cross my fingers....hope nothing bad comes from it. Anyway, yesterday night I had my night out with SC...only the two of us. We went to Friendscino for dinner and to chill. Allan was performing there so we went there to support him *cheers* We used to visit him on Tuesday at Artista in TCM but he'll be having 3 days performance there. I juz luv his singing and SC luv his singing too. Preston was the one who recommend him to me. All the best to Allan for his gig and all his performances.... Well, I guess I better take some good rest before my eye fails on me....Going to do some revision and will be heading for my bed.... *Adieu*

MIA and back once again....

I have no idea what's going on with me and my blog. Never have the urge to continue for God knows what reason....It has been almost 1 year...in a blink of an eye, I am another year older *shrugs* I hate getting older but that's reality and that's how people grow. My life has been going up and down but thank God that I am blessed with a wonderful daughter and my sometimes wonderful hubby *winks* I think I should start back blogging but it all depends on my mood and my time. I may not have the time to drop an entry but I know for sure that it's juz an excuse... Life is complicated...Human nature is contradicting....I was going thru my previous entries and I got this...I love you and I hate you *smiles* How contradicting is that. Well, as long as I have my family members by my side, I am a happy person. Not many people that I love but those that I love are those who stayed with me all this while....family members, relatives, my best buddies....I love all of them. Life is short so enjoy it while you can *cheers* I'm crapping so I'm going to bed now....Monday blues again *shrugs*

Great night !!!

Been missing lots of entries...wasnt free at all...probably were juz lazy as usual *giggles* Anyway, Thursday 6 May 2010 was a great day for me. Workplace tho...had my lunch with Preston, had my night out with Preston as well, had a great talk with my MD. Everything seemed great. Results of the talk, I had my raise, there were bonus, and I'll be taking my exam...I guess *winks* Preston is leaving anyway. It would be such a loss for me. He is the best buddy I have in the office. I will not know who will be my next buddy but I still have to go on with life. From time to time, I'll definitely ask him out to chill as what we did that night. He invited me to join him at TCM for a drink while listening to live songs. He likes the singer, a Philipino tho and to my surprise, I like his songs and his style as well. Different style from Preston. I guess each individual is different *winks* Anyway, he was supposed to be with some frenz but ended up only 2 of us. We had only 3 pints as we shared the last pint. I learned alot from that night and to be honest, I actually enjoyed it much. We hung out from around 10 pm till 12.30 am. Reached home at about 1 am and slept at about 2 am. Was freaking tired when I went to the office the next day. By the way, as we were leaving that place that night, we went to the washroom. Of course, he went to the guys and I went to the ladies. *shrugs* Anyway, he was telling me about this adverts screen which was in the ladies as well as the mens. I thought it was juz an advert screen but no...he actually showed it to me by going into the ladies *shrugs* He was so lame tho...when I stand close the screen, it became a mirror. That was a surprise *giggles* But what surprises me more is him going into the ladies. That was hilarious. I like to hang out with him for this kinda activity rather than going to clubs or whatsoever. I find it relaxing to listen to those songs especially when recommended by Preston. He is one of them after all. Cheers to him and all the best to him... I will definitely miss him...after all, we had been collegues for 2 years *winks*

Deep thoughts...

Life sure is fragile...alot of things came into my mind this few days. First of all, deepest condolences to brother-in-law's family for losing someone important to them. That was my first service that I went. It was on Friday night, I went there around 11 pm. It was really heartbreaking. Then I realized one thing, my tears can really shed easily when it comes to someone that I knew. It was such a pain to see how hard the family members were trying to cope up with the sudden lost. I paid my last respect to him. The only thing I am afraid is that this happen to one of my family members and no, I do not want that to happen. I know that this is life, people will go away one day, it's juz a matter of time. Sometimes it does scare me whenever I think of death. What happen to a person when he died? Heaven or hell? Does that really exist? Reincarnation? Reborn? Even so, do they still remember who they were? Life is short, although we get to live until 80 years old. In a blink of an eye, I already spent my life for 26 years. So what of 60 years down the road? Life is so valuable that nothing can replace it but yet, why some people would juz want to commit suicide and take away their precious life? Contradicting...that is human nature. Instead of thinking what would happen when I die, why not think of what I can do before I die? But still... Anyway, I went drinking with SC on Monday night. Although I was supposed to be at home but too bad, my car couldnt start when I wanted to leave the office. SC came to fetch me and I was told to leave my car there *shrugs* Instead of going home, we went to Library along with some other friends. We all had fun. Drank beer, played games, joke around, lame around. I longed for that for quite some time *giggles* Well, Ray brought his girlfren along. Pretty onot, SC said ok. Beauty is something that I lack of...but what SC said was I could look pretty if I juz know how to be pretty *winks* Dun waste my time. Makeups and all those pretty thingy, troublesome. I like to be plain and simple and I want other people to like me for who I am and not for being pretty. I will only make myself look nice on occasions, probably wedding dinner or watsoever... Last Saturday night, I had dinner with my brother since SC went for a wedding dinner. Reason? My dad was complaining about him and I dont like that at all. He is still my dad and I dont want him to get troubled becuz of my brother's thing. Well, one thing for sure, my brother listens to me so I could juz talk to him bout it and I did. I'm not sure whether he will listen or not but I'll definitely look at his back. I do not want him to fail and I do not want him and my dad to get upset. Independant or not, he is still my little brother and I love him the most among the others so I do not want anything to happen to him...May God bless him.... Tiring...been busy with work and next week, I'll be busy with housework...Oh well...going to rest in a bit so adieu*

Office Day Out...

This whole week I wun be in the office. Well, maybe only in the evening and only today I'm in the office. Monday and Tuesday, I was in a Microsoft workshop and Thursday and Friday, I'll be in Microsoft training. My supervisor who is supposed to be with me, will not be around. He's in Singapore now so I'll be on my own. Good or bad I wonder....Good I suppose. Anyway, I should be buying some books tomorrow at MPH after the talk. Probably will be going back to office also since its juz nearby. Bleh...was really tired last few days. Lack of sleep I guess. Well, cant think of anything to write now...Getting late so I better get some sleep before I start dozing off tomorrow. Adios*

Confusion...

I love you and yet I hate you.... Confusing....

Quote...

I love you...not to love for others to see... Somehow rather I like this quote...not really a quote though. Heard this from a chinese song. It is the chorus...wo ai ni bu shi kei ren kan *winks* My pinyin is bad too...*shrugs* That is true though but not everyone think that way. Some people juz love or want to get in a relationship juz to show to their friends. Well, I love you, that's the truth, and not to show to other people...not to tell other people...not to notify other people....I juz love you for who you are, what you are, how you are. That is a simple principle for me....

Preston Birthday...

First of all, Happy belated birthday to Preston...We actually had a mini birthday celebration for him during our company activity. My MD couldnt make it so too bad for him then. Dinner was on company but cake was on me. Figured that it might be too much for company to handle *shrugs* I didnt even tell SC that. Oh well...at least he enjoyed his time there. I got him a marble cheese cake from Secret Recipe anyway. Brownies too fattening *grins* Bowling and dinner over at Paddington House of Pancake. Wanted to try that for some time and finally got a chance to do that thanks to Danny *giggles* Took some pictures...although I wasnt the only photographer there. Of all pictures, I like one the most. At least I look nice in it *winks* This is the pic that I like the most. Not becuz of the photographer since the photographer is SC *shrugs* I juz like the way it is. At least I dont look fat in this pic *giggles* Anyway, grats to Preston and hope he enjoyed that night. Well, nothing much this few days. Was pretty tired with work and life. I actually had an argument with SC yesterday. Finally after so long that I finally exploded. That moment I find myself suffocating. It was so hard for me to stand it. If it werent for BB to be sleeping, I would have went out with her. Oh well...luck was on his side I guess. After things turn sour, he came back home and I actually ignored him. I was speechless and I juz kept quiet the whole time. Then, we had a great dinner *giggles* He gave me a promise but whether or not he'll keep to that promise...I will never know... I wasnt in a good mood this few days anyway. Tired with everything...work especially. I am really tired of rushing things out and get all the unneccessary stress. After I get the bonus, I will consider of looking for job elsewhere. I used to be defensive of that but now, I think I really need that. I am really tired....may God bless the company *shrugs* SC even support me on this. Thanks for being understanding... Sunday is supposed to be a family day but I spent my dinner with my family apart from SC. Dad called me to have dinner since my beloved lil bro is bringing his girlfren along *giggles* The whole purpose is to see his girlfren in person. Well, as long as he dun neglect his studies, then I'm fine with him having a relationship. Besides, he is not a small boy anymore. Form 5 already....how small is that? So...they'll have my blessings as long as he shows me a good results in his SPM. BB is starting school again tomorrow. Time for her crying time again. She has been acting very stubborn and very choosy...and it is really getting on my nerves. I was actually very angry due to that and yup...it affected my mood...Duh...she needs to learn not to be choosy the hard way since noone else is teaching her that. All she had is pampers and more pampers so I'll be the bad one...*shrugs* Really hates how it gets me tired everytime... Speechless as always....Adios*

Busy busy busy...

MIA again...Well, I was busy in the first place. Busy with work, busy with BB's pre-nursery, busy with my own life. I'm pretty tired as well. Didn't have much sleep lately. Been quite heaty, having sore throat, throat pain...yada yada...Not to mention, cough. Bleh...all comes in one. Always had been like that...Spent alot of my time, or rather my free time outside then at home resting. My grandma's birthday, family outing at Disney on Ice with BB and SC, dinner at relative's place. Nothing much to share lately. Tired and all...Well, work matters...my company is shortlisted for a MOH project in Singapore and altho shortlisted, we will be getting it so on and off, one of us will be going to Singapore. Good or bad news? I have no idea at all...The last time I've been to Singapore was ages ago. I cant even recall it. I remembered seeing pictures in my album. I think I was only about 10 years old? I have quite a number of friends down in Singapore as well but I guess I'm going to lose contact with them...*grins* I'm practically losing contact with all my friends. Getting late...I better shower and then get some sleep...need my beauty sleep badly...Chioz*

New beginning...

So far so good I suppose...work was ok...my task is on time...I even finished what my MD wanted me to do for the Singapore demo. He is actually in the progress of getting a government project in Singapore which Dr Siaw wanted it badly. If we were to get the project, I will be the one who will be going on and off down to Singapore. I'm not sure whether it is a good news or a bad news. Oh well...will see how it goes. Anyway, my bro came to look for me yesterday night and passed me some pressies my sister got back from her Hong Kong trip. Hope she had fun there. I got 2 shirts and a pack of marshmallows...yum yum...finally my mom got it right this time. Previously she bought mochi for me instead of marshmallows *shrugs* BB got a cap and a T-shirt as well. Sis even gave BB an ang pau for her belated birthday... Speaking of birthday...mine is coming *giggles* 4 more months still but hey...time pass real fast. I wonder how will I celebrate it this year...Last year what I did was to have dinner with my family. SC brought me to Tenji on my birthday...he knows perfectly well what I like and what I dont like. Pressie? Can't remember much since he bought so many pressies for me throughout the year *shrugs* Whatever it is...I'm lucky to have him as my partner. For us, everyday is like Valentines Day...pressies throughout the year and surprises as well. That is one of the things that I like about him... Hmm...I wonder will Terence be back in Malaysia on my birthday or not...then we can go for drinking !!! He'll be going off to France next week if I'm not mistaken. Well, bon voyage and please take good care of urself...God bless...My birthday wish is very simple..in fact, it had been the same all this while...I juz want to be happy with what I have right now and hope that everyone close to me will be very much healthy. Something like that...this year...I hope that I could celebrate it with my family together with SC...celebrate with Terence....and also with my kor, KW...I juz love to have them around to pamper me *giggles* Speaking of KW...I'll be meeting up with him soon cuz he actually bought pressie for BB for her birthday *shrugs* I still didnt get a chance to meet up with him yet...Soon I guess... Well, I better get some sleep...getting a little tired....*Chioz peeps...

Brand New Me...

Finally I'm starting to get the picture...after months of running away, denying the fact. I am back to who I used to be, probably even better? *winks* Juz started this week but I am happy with who I am now. Everyday life is very precious to me so I might as well get over it and live my life to the fullest. Why do I want to dwell the past and let it climb over my head? I am the one in control of my life...not the other way around so live with it... I'm still shocked with Kevin's death...everytime when I think back at it...I really cant believe that he's gone...forever...what if I am the one instead? What will happen? Whenever I think of death...I'm really scared. Does it feels like you are taking a long long nap? What will happen after someone dies? Reincarnate? Live in Heaven? I will not know...neither do I want to know. I am afraid even to think about it. Time passed really fast. In a blink of an eye, I am already 26 years old. I had lived for 26 years and I'm still fooling around. That is why...both life and time are very precious and can never be replaced. Whatever it is, juz cherish with what you have right now and be blessed with it. You will definitely regret it when it is gone. Anyway, Dr Siaw is going through a hard time in Singapore now. I heard the news from my MD. Although I juz talked to him over the phone this 2 days but he sounded ok to me. Well, I was told that his car was knocked by a motorcycle and the motorcyclist is currently in ICU having a critical condition. I can only pray that he will recover so that Dr Siaw will be relieved. I was told that if death is involved in an accident, regardless of who was the one in the wrong, the person standing will get the penalty. Dont worry Dr Siaw...you have saved so many lives so I'm sure that God will look after you and bless you. I'm really tired this few days...ever since the trip to Penang, I had been very exhausted. Not that I sleep late but on and off, BB wasnt feeling well. Even now she is having fever. This morning her fever went up to 39 degress...high fever. May God bless him. On the other hand, I am having stomach discomfort now. Plus I didnt get enough sleep...need to focus on my work...my workload getting piled up. Never ending task...*shrugs* I wonder what will happen if I decided to leave the company? *think think* Well, it is not the time yet. Still have long more way to go until I am capable of doing work on my own. Cross my fingers then... I miss drinking...I wan to go for drinking...Dum dum Terence rather go fishing than go drinking with me. He said he wans to stay sober for his project...Fishing Project? *grins* I guess when he said 6 months he really means 6 months...sigh...I am even cutting down on ciggy...brand new me...no risking my life, no doing dangerous things...live my live happily and be a happy go lucky girl as before...Well, need to do some stuff and go sleep...eyes are closing badly *shrugs* *Peace out...

Outstation Trip...

Many days of missing entries...I was too tired and too heaty to even take my time to drop an entry here. Besides, I have my own things to do and found some things to do on my free time instead of spending my time in front of the computer doing nuts. Anyway, my desktop is finally out from the hospital...It juz undergo surgery and need time to recover. Need to reformat though so I bought myself an external harddisk of 1 TG. Big enough for all my files to be stored there instead of the computer. In case if the computer knock out again, I juz need to reformat it *giggles* Well, 3 days 2 nights in Penang was tiring. That was my first time driving down to Penang though. Nothing much, juz visiting and swimming...Weather was awful there. Too hot for me. But when we reached KL, the weather here was worst due to the heat wave. The feeling was like when I was doing my confinement. Super hot...SC rather spend time outside than at home. Bleh...I juz need to bear with it. I wonder how was Michael's wedding dinner. I didnt make it there though. But I did give a red packet to him...Preston helped me to pass it to him. There were lots of reasons why I didnt go for it...anyway that is the past already. Wish him and his wife an everlasting relationship...same goes for Preston and Liz. On the other hand, wish for me and SC to have an everlasting relationship as well *giggles* Last month was a bad month for me. Simon, my grandpa, Kevin....I still cant get them out of my mind. I will miss them dearly...especially grandpa and Kevin. Speaking of which, I juz realized that I didnt know my grandpa or my grandma's name. Never came to my mind since recently. I wonder...my mom posted lots of pictures of my grandpa during his olden times. None of the picture was with me though *shrugs* I saw one picture with my sister and that's all. Bleh...As I said, I will miss them dearly...grandpa was old so I'm still ok with it but Kevin...he's only one year older than me. That was too much for me to handle. His memories still lingers in my mind... Well, I guess I will be ok...along with every other little things. I am who I am and I will be who I want to be and not who others want me to be so I will be good. Past is the past so I will not dwell in the past. Get on with my life and accept the changes. That wasnt an easy thing to do but I guess I am over it. It has been going on too long and I am sure I'll get fed up of it. Why would I want to let it get into my life and twist things around? I decided...after so long to let it go...once and for all...Brand new person tomorrow...hopefully *shrugs* Pray for me that I'll finish my work tomorrow and get on with my life. By the way, my collegue, rather ex-collegue, Jacky left the company already so I'll be on my own for breakfast again. For the past month, I had been having breakie with him almost every morning since he always reached early. Oh well....I'm going to bed now... *Adios...

Shocking News...

I never expect anything like this to happen...I was browsing thru my facebook when I came across a status update by my fren...'May you rest in peace my dear fren'. I commented on his status...'God bless...someone I know?' Immediately after that, I received a private message from another fren...from the same gang...and I heard a shocking news...one of them passed away due to accident...I was really shocked...That person is someone whom I hang around with last time during secondary school, along with the others...all in the same gang...one of them in the gang actually had a crush on me and that is how they got to know me... In loving memory of Kevin Pang.... I was never close to you...but ever since the first time that we talked to each other, you were already my fren. During the old times, you were like the good guy in the gang. Someone whom are always calm and steady. I still remember last time during secondary school, your class is juz opposite my class, together with Lai and KC. You guys used to disturb me cause of KC. That was how we became fren and I did hang around with your gang. I also remember the time when things werent good in school for me, you guys were there to protect me, to look after me. I remembered how much fun we had during those time...Thanks for taking care of me during those time and thanks for being my fren as well. You will be remembered and will be missed...I am sorry that I didnt pay my last respect to you as I do not know how to face it. Please forgive me on that.... It must be hard to the gang cuz it is hard for me as well even when I am not really close to them. I do not know how to face it. It is juz unbelievable. I do not know what to think, what to say...Deepest condolences to his family members and to the gang. Speechless... Life is so valuable. You can be having fun all this time and the next thing you know, in juz that split second, something has taken away your life...unexpectedly and unpredictably. I'm beginning to be scared...Scared that one of those who are close to me will go away as well...How will I handle it? How will I take it? Please Father lord...please do not take them away from me...I know very well that You only take them away for a reason but it will be too much for me to take it. I do not want to experience it....Father Lord...I pray for all of them...pray that they will stay alive.... 3 deaths in 3 weeks...how am I taking it? I have no idea...This is the first time...I'm breaking apart...Juz when I thought I'm recovering...things happened. When things happen, I tend to keep it to myself. SC will ask me not to think so much. Terence...I didnt tell him cuz I didnt want to disturb him. He is busy with fishing as well as his project so he didnt even want to go for drinking. He wants to stay sober...KW...didnt tell him as well. I'm sure he is tired and busy with work and relationship...Who else can I share with? I'm lost...shattered... Shattered is juz the right word now...

Ringi o Missing...

Somehow I kinda miss my so-called ex ring *giggles* Well, the ring is a gift from a special fren but something turns up and I gave back the ring. I am suppose to take it back when I am ready but until now I have no intention to take it back at all. I will not want to take it back anyway. But then...I miss it *shrugs* How come I have to be so contradicting all the times? Ringi o ringi...I wonder how are you doing? I wonder where are you? *grins* Thought back of lots of things today. Office had been quite different for the past few weeks...in fact, a month ago. I used to have someone close to me but for some reasons, I decided to keep my distance. I knew perfectly the situation but I guess I'm juz being greedy. I do miss having that person as someone close to me but that was the past. Present...no...future...I do not know. I am a runner...I am running away from the fact...I knew this all along but I juz cant help it but to run instead of accepting the fact. Contradicting as always...Time will heal me... It is not easy at all to forget someone close...in fact, the more you want to forget that person, the more you tend to think of that person. Speechless as always... I miss SC....I miss Terence....I miss my kor KW....

End of Holiday...

1 week passed and that's the end of my lovely holidays. *shrugs* Although it is only 1 week but lots of things happened in this 1 week. My beloved grandpa went far away from us...my mom was here for a while but I didnt get to see her...Valentine's Day...Chinese New Year...BB's birthday...outing with SC...family dinner with Dad...overall I had a great time. I do have my ups and downs tho...My brother called me on BB's birthday wishing her a happy birthday and I did asked him on my grandpa's matters. He was told that grandpa passed away with a smile in his face...He was happy at the very last moment. Thank God for that. I respect him a lot...at least that is a good news for me...I am able to face myself in this situation better. BB is not feeling well this few days...rather since yesterday. She's having some problem in her stomach and she had been vomiting on foods since yesterday. May God bless him...SC will be bringing her to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully everything will be ok. I juz pray for her to be healthy again. Oh ya...we went swimming today...me, BB, SC, and one of his fren at Palm Spring. It was rather cold tho the pool water there. BB played in the swimming pool with her new Pooh float that I bought for her. She is happy. The only thing is that she didnt want to wear her swimming suit *shrugs* Off she goes into the pool with her proper attire *shrugs* At least she had fun and we were all together. Something happened yesterday...SC was out at his frenz open house gambling and all till late at night when he suddenly called me saying that his fren will be staying over at Palm Spring and he'll be there with him too. I was really angry and at the same time dissapointed with him. I remembered telling this to myself...SC can go out at night, drinking and have fun and all as long as he comes back home at night...All this while, it had been like that...as long as he comes back home...I will be ok. But yesterday, for the first time, he told me he'll be staying over there. I didnt know what to think...altho the fren is a guy but still...I cant accept it. It was about 3 am that time. I told him...whatever it is...I want him to be back at home and I slammed down the phone...as usual *giggles* Well, he did came back home...at about 4 am. Lots of things was on my mind yesterday that I couldnt sleep at all. I put my trust in him that he is not cheating on me and I believe that he will not but sometimes, I juz tend to think too much and I'm quite a sensitive person as well. I never like that part of me but that is me...I have to accept it. I dont think I can change it so I have to accept it. That is my quote for life. Things that happened to me in the past...were never easy to forget...in fact, I cant seem to forget it at all. Even if it happened many years ago...it still runs in my mind from time to time. My mind is still in a mess now, in fact, I am still in a mess now. Well, I have noone to blame but myself. Bleh...juz have to get a hang of myself until I am fully settled down...I wonder when will it be...Will I be able to settle down at all? *shrugs*

BB's Birthday Eve...

Tomorrow will be BB's 2 years old birthday...Happy birthday BB in advance. *giggles* Me and SC will be bringin her out tomorrow to play as much as she wants. She loves going to Kids Gym so we'll be there with her in the morning till afternoon. Cheers to SC for accompanyin us. I thought that he didnt want to go in the first place but he said BB's birthday...must go...so sweet of him. Juz hope that BB will enjoy her day tomorrow... Mom is back to KL but she went up to Genting already. I called sis this morning since I received missed call from her but she said she'll call me back cuz she's busy. Well, I waited till night time but no call from her yet. When I finally call her back, mom is already in Genting and their flight tomorrow is early in the mornin. WTH? There goes my chance of seeing her. *grins* SC's mom was sort of grumbling saying that I'm her daughter and yet I didnt visit her or something like that. Sigh...I didnt want to explain...I juz kept quiet. Finish my dinner fast and get out from the dining table. I juz hate it when people said that. Have I not become a good daughter? Even my mom has not treated me like her daughter but I did make an effort to visit her and all...what can I do when she's not free? What is it with the what kind of daughter is this...I hate it so much...I hate how my mom treats me....I hate how she didnt call me while she called my sis and my bro...I hate how she left me on my own....I hate it....but she is still my mom...whatever that she did or she does, she is still my mom...my one and only mom and I love her for being my mom...

Confused...

I'm confused...I dont know what to think, what to do. Everything I do felt wrong...everything I think felt not right...Am I supposed to be here still while the rest of my family members are at Penang? What am I doing here and not there? Arent I supposed to be there paying my respect? I do not know...Deep inside me, the feeling is heating me up...Contradicting as always...I want to be there but at the same time, I dont want to be there. Which is right...which is wrong? This would be my third family member that passed away. First two would be my grandparents on my dad side. I wasnt even anywhere near them as I was still very little and all I could remember is that when my grandpa passed away, my dad showed me my name written in the newspaper and I had to pin on a piece of white cloth over at the sleeve of my shirt. When my grandma passed away, cant remember much, I juz remembered seeing her picture sent over by my aunt. This time would be my grandpa from my mom's side. I am old enough now and I know perfectly well what is going on but I still dont know how to handle it, how to respond to it. Why is that so? It is juz that everything happened too fast...One after another and I even didnt have any time to heal perfectly...I am still recovering from whatever happened in the past and now things juz keep adding on. I am really scared...scared of losing people close to me especially SC. I can only pray for their safety and hope that God will watch over him and people who are close to me. Grandpa, although I am not by your side, although I did not see you for the last time, I want you to know that I'm glad that you are my grandpa. I appreciate everything that you did to me, even though I am only one of your many grandchildren. I am sure that God take you away from all of us for a reason and I am sure that you will watch over all of us from there. I love you grandpa...please rest in peace and we will take good care of ourselves...do not worry over any of us... *Peace out...