Confused...

I'm confused...I dont know what to think, what to do. Everything I do felt wrong...everything I think felt not right...Am I supposed to be here still while the rest of my family members are at Penang? What am I doing here and not there? Arent I supposed to be there paying my respect? I do not know...Deep inside me, the feeling is heating me up...Contradicting as always...I want to be there but at the same time, I dont want to be there. Which is right...which is wrong? This would be my third family member that passed away. First two would be my grandparents on my dad side. I wasnt even anywhere near them as I was still very little and all I could remember is that when my grandpa passed away, my dad showed me my name written in the newspaper and I had to pin on a piece of white cloth over at the sleeve of my shirt. When my grandma passed away, cant remember much, I juz remembered seeing her picture sent over by my aunt. This time would be my grandpa from my mom's side. I am old enough now and I know perfectly well what is going on but I still dont know how to handle it, how to respond to it. Why is that so? It is juz that everything happened too fast...One after another and I even didnt have any time to heal perfectly...I am still recovering from whatever happened in the past and now things juz keep adding on. I am really scared...scared of losing people close to me especially SC. I can only pray for their safety and hope that God will watch over him and people who are close to me. Grandpa, although I am not by your side, although I did not see you for the last time, I want you to know that I'm glad that you are my grandpa. I appreciate everything that you did to me, even though I am only one of your many grandchildren. I am sure that God take you away from all of us for a reason and I am sure that you will watch over all of us from there. I love you grandpa...please rest in peace and we will take good care of ourselves...do not worry over any of us... *Peace out...