Lost...

Not sure what am I feeling right now? Lost? Confused? Happy? I guess I could say that I'm feeling bit of each. Lost probably becuz I'm not sure of where I stand right now. Confused cuz I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Happy becuz I have people who cares for me in every way. I consider myself a happy go lucky girl so I always go around with a smile on my face. Deep within me, I hide alot of unhappy feelings, worry that it would do harm to me or people around me. Although the unhappy feelings are not so overwhelming, I can still bear with it. Happy memories are still more enough to cover up the unhappy memories. I am still happy with who I am and what I am but deep within me, I sometimes wish there's a change in my life. SC is nice to me but not all the time. He may scream at me at times, scolding me for nuts, screaming like a crazy maniac with all the cursing and all, but then things will work out after that. Of course I would ignore all those but it is still hard to forget about it. But at times, he could be such a sweetheart, pampering me in his own way, caring for me in his own way. Not all the time but at least I'm not so bad after all. He always spend his days outside at night for a drink with his brother and his friends. Probably 3 times in a week. I dont get to follow him becuz of BB so I stayed at home most of the time when he is out. Even that, I didnt bother much, as long as he comes back in one piece, I will be fine with it. That is what I think. At least I felt happier to think this way then to struggle with him nagging him all the time and getting annoyed with it all the time. It may even make things worse...Well, there is also some time when I requested to go out on my own with my frenz even juz for a drink would be nice. As for Terence, although we lost contact from time to time, he is still my best boyfren. Whenever I'm down, he will definitely have his way to bright things up and cheer me up. He made a promise to me last time that he would always be there for me...and till now he still keep up with the promise. In fact, I dont even remember when he made the promise *shrugs* But then, that is nice of him to remember. He told me he would be there for me, lending me an ear and even his shoulders if I need. He would hug me everytime when I see him off, he would peck me on the cheek as well. That is how he pampers me with his own ways...He would listen to me scream about my unhappy things, laugh about my happy things, even gossips about life. He is my counsellor, my best boyfren, my brother, whatever I could think of. He is the only one that SC knows about and let me go out with him alone. He is the only one that I could hug and peck openly... Danny came into my life not long ago. He is my collegue, my good fren, and even my second boyfren *winks* Probably a little too many boyfren but I'm happy with it. When he first joined my company, I didnt talk much with him until the day when I had lunch with him along with other collegues...I find him different from others...it felt as if he was having a lot of life problems. I tried to talk things out with him becuz for some reason, I want him to be open to me. I guess I juz wanna cheer him up that time. That was why when the first time I talked to him, I asked him did he has any sensitive topic that cannot be made as conversation. As soon as he told me his answer, I knew that I had to make him open up to me. Juz my intuition that I would make things better. As time goes by, I got closer to him and he also open up bit by bit to me. I am happy for that but there's still certain things that he would want to keep it to himself. I perfectly understand that and I didnt force him. It would be inconsiderate to do that anyway. I myself have my own problem and I wouldnt want anyone to dig through it. Anyway, that was old story. Although I'm close to him in a way, I still need to keep my distance. He did pampered me alot in his own way as well but he is still someone who is lost, someone who needs to be lighten, someone who needs support. Unfortunately, I cant be the one to provide him the support that he needs, cant be the one who cheer him up. Yet, whenever I think of all this I tend to have swings. I guess that's why I became pretty swingy nowadays. Well, he is starting to get to know other people...in fact he is hanging around with this gal so I suppose everything would be ok. Juz want him to know that no matter what I feel, I will always support him in whatever decisions that he make. I juz want him to be happy so no need to bother bout me. It is his life anyway... Bleh...swingy and confused...SC, Terence and Danny somehow are my precious one and I really dont want to lose any of them in any way...Guess this is juz life. As how I remember a quote...it goes like this...God dont take away something without give you something else better. I always believe in that but those people are my precious one and noone can replace them... Anyway, main reason that I felt lost is becuz of my grandpa. My mom actually talked to me in MSN, telling me about her dad, who is my grandpa. He is admitted to the hospital and is seriously ill. He is having difficulties in breathing. He is in Penang anyway. I actually asked her why didnt she comes back to see him? She told me that she cant get any leave now due to work. Well, I understand that well enough but I still feel lost somehow. He might leave us anytime and he is crying everytime he sees anyone. According to my mom anyway. He is also my family and I will be sad without him around although I'm not any close to him. Last year I was back to Penang to celebrate his birthday together with all the relatives. He dont really remember us but he actually cried with joy that time. I was really not happy, I actually felt my tears were about to roll down but I held it up. I was really scared that time...now, things got worse. He is in the hospital and here we are, doing our own things not worrying bout him. Is that what we should do? Shouldnt we be visiting him and hope that he gets better? Seriously lost...Please God...bless him with all your might. If his time has comes, let him go peacefully, else juz let him be healthy once more....I really miss him...I miss everyone...I miss my mom...I miss my dad...Why does my life have to be this way...Why does my family have to be this way? I'm not that strong...I'm really not that strong...I may not look like I care but I do care...and I cant hate them for that. I love them too much to hate them... Hate myself...